A year has gone by..... mom, dad and Kelvin seemed to have moved on slowly and well. Your first anniversary was the hardest day of the year for me. Without the support of Stephen, I accompanied mom, dad, Auntie KY and Jason for prayer at the temple. Mom & dad held up alright but they broke down when we visited you at your final resting place. A first meltdown after many months. My heart felt like being teared apart into million pieces seeing them. All I could do is be strong for them, held back my tears. Someone has to and that was my choice.
That day was indeed the hardest. No avenue for my own grief, I seeked refuge in Stephen only to be pushed away and let down. Prayer meeting was on that day and it was the last place where I want to be. Although church is a place where I should find comfort but I was angry. Angry at everyone because I felt that no one cared. Why I should put up a smile on my face though I'm in pain inside. What about me? Me too, lost my brother and I witnessed every single event, he collapsing right before my eyes to his body carried away to the morgue in a body bag by the police truck and lastly being laid down into the casket. Why nobody asked me how have I been coping?
I wasn't given any time to mourn or grief of your passing. My responsibility were too heavy to allow me to do so. I had to put up with the name calling, being blamed for not taking care of you, the paperwork from the police station, mortuary, to your belongings. Does anyone know the pain I felt inside of me? I kept myself busy, a way I found to keep me going and to pretend that you have gone somewhere for holiday for a long time.
But today I broke down, cried so hard after watching a korean drama. It was speaking about an elder sibling who lost his younger sibling in a car accident. The elder sibling felt that he should be the one dead rather than the younger sibling. That's exactly how I felt a year ago. I wished it was me instead of you. Things would be a lot easier for mom and dad. This was the first break down I had since your passing and cried so hard.
It was also that very instance I realized that I haven't allow myself to mourn for your passing. Because I was in denial, I avoided it, I pretended it didn't happened. Just over the weekend, Terry boy asked me 'Where's Hwee Yeung ko ko? Why is he not here?' Earlier on, he came over our place and he probably realized that you weren't around. I almost broke down into tears but didn't want mom to find out, I held it back. I told him that you have gone somewhere very far and can't come back. He didn't understand and asked 'Why can't he come back? He can take a plane back.' Gosh, tears were welling up and utterly speechless.
Although things have been tough but I thanked God for His graciousness, comfort and love upon my imperfect family. We are moving on slowly but one thing for sure,
That day was indeed the hardest. No avenue for my own grief, I seeked refuge in Stephen only to be pushed away and let down. Prayer meeting was on that day and it was the last place where I want to be. Although church is a place where I should find comfort but I was angry. Angry at everyone because I felt that no one cared. Why I should put up a smile on my face though I'm in pain inside. What about me? Me too, lost my brother and I witnessed every single event, he collapsing right before my eyes to his body carried away to the morgue in a body bag by the police truck and lastly being laid down into the casket. Why nobody asked me how have I been coping?
I wasn't given any time to mourn or grief of your passing. My responsibility were too heavy to allow me to do so. I had to put up with the name calling, being blamed for not taking care of you, the paperwork from the police station, mortuary, to your belongings. Does anyone know the pain I felt inside of me? I kept myself busy, a way I found to keep me going and to pretend that you have gone somewhere for holiday for a long time.
But today I broke down, cried so hard after watching a korean drama. It was speaking about an elder sibling who lost his younger sibling in a car accident. The elder sibling felt that he should be the one dead rather than the younger sibling. That's exactly how I felt a year ago. I wished it was me instead of you. Things would be a lot easier for mom and dad. This was the first break down I had since your passing and cried so hard.
It was also that very instance I realized that I haven't allow myself to mourn for your passing. Because I was in denial, I avoided it, I pretended it didn't happened. Just over the weekend, Terry boy asked me 'Where's Hwee Yeung ko ko? Why is he not here?' Earlier on, he came over our place and he probably realized that you weren't around. I almost broke down into tears but didn't want mom to find out, I held it back. I told him that you have gone somewhere very far and can't come back. He didn't understand and asked 'Why can't he come back? He can take a plane back.' Gosh, tears were welling up and utterly speechless.
Although things have been tough but I thanked God for His graciousness, comfort and love upon my imperfect family. We are moving on slowly but one thing for sure,
You are greatly missed by all of us!
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